Happy Meal
by God Emperor Penguin
Summary: Ruby drags Jaune to McOzpin's to get a Kid's Happy Meal for the super special limited edition plastic toy that comes with it.


**Summary:** _Ruby drags Jaune to McOzpin's to get a Kid's Happy Meal for the super special limited edition plastic toy that comes with it._

 **Happy Meal**

Ruby and Jaune walked down the streets of Vale. Jaune was looking at the map, trying to figure out how to get to the local McOzpin's.

"I need that toy! I want it! I want it so bad…" Ruby squealed in anticipation. "It's a transforming mecha! And it combines with another toy! That's why I need two people for this… I need it, Jaune. I need it. I need it more than life itself! I need it more than cookies! I _need_ it more than Weiss' sweet body fresh as the driven snow!" shouted Ruby with a bit of obsessive madness in her eyes.

"What was that last one?" Jaune asked, looking up from his map.

"Cookies. I want this toy more than I want cookies," Ruby said with an innocent smile.

"Oh." Jaune scoped out the area, looking for the famous golden O that marked the McOzpin's. "Do you see the restaurant?"

Ruby scanned the area. "Nope."

"Guess we'll try this street. Gosh darn it… why do street sights have colors instead of names? Indigo and Blue Robin Street look identical to me!" groaned Jaune as Ruby followed closely behind.

At that very moment Blake and Yang walked out of a nearby cafe parlor.

"I told you the Bumblebee Flower and Honey Iced Tea Special would hit the spot," said Yang. The two shared a giant 2-liter cup with a pair of crazy straws in them. Yangs was yellow.

Blake sighed. "Yeah it's good…" Blake admitted as she took a sip. Blake's straw was white with spots of black and a giant plastic contraption in the middle that glowed and spun when the straw was sucked. Blake's twitched her ears in amusement.

"Oh come on, you can't hide that smile. You know you love it," Yang teased.

Blake felt her facial temperature rise several degrees. Then, out of the corner of her eye, she spotted them. "Hey isn't that Ruby and Jaune?"

"Huh?" Yang looked in the direction Blake was looking. "It is them…"

"What are they doing here in downtown? Together?" Blake thought for a moment. "Do you think Jaune and Ruby on a date?"

Yang looked at Blake. "No."

Blake looked down the floor, taking a sad sip of her Bumblebee Flower and Honey Iced Tea Special. There goes her favorite live-action romantic shipping fantasy.

"So what do you think they're doing here together in downtown?" Blake asked.

"Don't know… but… what if… what if they're following us!?" Yang exclaimed. "What if they find out our dirty little secret!?"

Blake looked at Yang. "What secret?"

"They can't know our true relationship."

Blake's face turned several more shades of crimson.

"O-our true relationship!?" Blake's heart was racing. It was happening way too fast. She clutched her chest. "I-I like you too Yang…" Blake admitted.

Yang's fiery eyes focused on Blake. "They _cannot_ know we're besties."

"I love you, too-wait. What?"

"I love you too, girl friend!" Yang slapped Blake on the back. "Let's go tail them!" Yang took a hold of their shared drink and took a long hard draw from the straw. Then she handed it back to Blake. "Use it or lose it!" Yang shouted as she jogged in the direction Ruby and Jaune were walking.

Blake looked down.

Yang had used her white and black spotted straw. Blake thought back to how the spinner spun as Yang's moist lips were wrapped around the straw shift. Her face slightly deformed due to the vacuum motion… the sensual smell of her breath lingering on the straw…

Her faunus eyes focused on a few specks of saliva residue.

Blake licked her lips.

She took a sip and followed.

* * *

"This is ridiculous!" Mercury complained. "We're evil henchmen. We should be doing evil henchmen things! Not this!"

Emerald shrugged. "Scoping out Professor Ozpin's new fast food franchise sounds exactly like what evil henchmen are supposed to do - grunt work."

"Are you kidding me? Cinder says ' _and get me Kid's Happy Meals - like fifty._ ' Fifty Kid's Meals! For what? Why? What strategic purpose does that even serve!?"

Emerald placed a finger on her chin. "Maybe it's a morale booster. I do like a burger," Emerald said with a happy nod. "Well here we are!"

The McOzpins was built from an old orphanage. The orphans were recruited into Beacon to train for dangerous missions and become disposable pawns in the great game of kingdoms. The orphanage itself was now plastered with value menu posters, nutritional facts, and Ozpin face logos holding up a mug of whiskey with the McOzpin slogans such ' _hunt it your way_ ' or ' _don't bother me, I'm hunting_ '.

"Oh boy, I'm soooo Screaming this," Emerald said excitedly as they entered the fantastically air-conditioned restaurant.

"Screaming?" asked Mercury. Emerald looked at Mercury like he was insane. "What?"

"You don't know what Scream is?"

"Should I…?"

"It's only the latest and greatest restaurant review app. Look! If you Scream the place, you can get a free snow cone! A FREE snow cone! Now that's what I call _a steal_. Get it? 'Cause I'm a thief… P-please laugh…"

Mercury narrowed his eyes. "So they've baited a new customer and turned you into a walking advertisement for the price of a snow cone? Oh, Emerald… Master Thief… I had thought you price be higher."

Emerald gave Mercury a scowl before noticing a new customer entering the restaurant.

"Hey isn't that Ruby and that one loser?"

Mercury tilted his head. "Roman?"

* * *

"I'm soooo glad you could join us!" Ruby clapped excitedly.

Emerald and Mercury forced to smile back. They were seated in a booth. They had taken their orders of fifty Kid's Happy Meals and sat down. A small mountain of the orders was left on stack in a table beside them.

"Yeah thanks," said Mercury as he reached for a french fry. He was denied potato-y goodness with a sharp slap.

"I have to take a picture first!" said Emerald as she took out her scroll.

"You take pictures of your food?" Mercury said in amazement. "Why? It's just going to literally turn to crap in your stomach later."

"Obviously for my food blog," replied Emerald with a roll of her eyes. "Can you believe this guy?" Emerald said to Ruby.

Ruby could only happily munch on her cheeseburger hold the pickles. _Fuck pickles_ , Ruby thought happily while ignoring everything Emerald and Mercury were talking about ( **Author's Note:** _I fucking love pickles. Fuck you Ruby. Fuck you and your lack of pickles appreciation_ ).

"So is that Jaune guy ever going to order? He's been working that calculator for a long time," asked Mercury.

Ruby shrugged.

Jaune was still standing in front of the overhead menus. The cashiers were waiting for him to approach the line and actually take in his order. However Jaune had already acquired a copy of the nutrition tables for the food and was doing calculations. He was calculating total calories of sides + drink + entree versus cost comparisons and vitamin value. He realized it was all abyssmal.

"The double cheeseburger makes the most economic sense in terms of lien per ounce of meat but the salad has the most amount of fat and sugar… ugh… What was Ozpin thinking with these prices!" Jaune could not miss out on a good deal and therefore kept calculating whether it was better to buy two 1-lien burgers to assemble a double cheeseburger himself or to spend 2.25-lien for a double cheeseburger.

"Um, Mister Customer…" said a brave cashier. It was her first day on the job. She needed this job because her dad had left and her mother was in the carnival. She had a little sister to take of. "Are you ready to order?"

" _Ugh!_ Yeah you know what, I'll have the tacos."

The cashier apologized, unsure what she was apologizing for.

"Mister Customer… we don't have tacos here."

"What," said Jaune with a twitch of his eye.

* * *

"I'm telling you! It's a double date!"

Yang excitedly peeked out from behind the bushes across the street of the McOzpin. Blake was kneeling beside her, close enough to smell her delicious orange flavored perform mixing with the salt sweat of her excitement.

Blake stifled a purr.

"I don't think so," Blake murmured.

"Oh come on! They're already seated and eating… wait why is Jaune getting thrown out?"

A pair of burly fry cooks tossed out Jaune.

"Damn you Ozpin! Damn you! I demand a refund!"

"You didn't buy anything you dunce!" Mercury hollered from inside the restaurant. Emerald and Ruby were both enjoying their meals happily chatting away.

Jaune stood up and dusted himself off with all the dignity of used toilet paper.

"Hmphf! That's okay! I'm going to go to a better restaurant! One that has tacos! In fact! I don't even want tacos anymore! I want noodles! So eat that!" Jaune scoffed and walked off.

"That guy is a complete moron," Yang commented.

"Agreed," said Blake who watched Yang's chest slowly rise and fall with each breath.

"Hey isn't that Pyrrha?"

"Hello again!" Pyrrha said to Jaune. Words were exchanged and soon the pair was off.

"Should we follow them?" Blake asked.

"Nah," said Yang. "Let's go to the botanical garden. I want to get some flower viewing with my bestie here."

"Okay," Blake said with a smile.

* * *

Cinder had just finished a hearty noodle beef bowl with hand torn noodles with a side of leek-and-pork dumplings when the check was set before her. The waitress offered a polite smile. _The smile was as polite as minimum wage_ , Cinder thought. She considered ditching the bill and she certainly would not tip.

Anyone who tried to make her do otherwise would be incinerated.

 _But not paying might cause a scene_ , Cinder lamented as she picked a loose piece of pork caught in her molars. Cinder didn't want the 5-0 all up on her grill again. The pair of doofuses called detectives keep their eyes focused 30 cm below where her face should be during questioning.

Besides, it didn't really matter if she didn't pay. She could put on the ol' Cinder charm and a dozen desperate males would crawl out of the woodwork to _fight_ over the priviledge to pay for her meal. There was a lonely sucker in the booth right behind her.

 _Ah_ , Cinder burped. _It's good to be sexy and evil._

Just as she was about to put on the damsel-in-distress-and-forgot-her-purse face to the poor sucker in the booth behind her, Cinder noticed the fortune cookie.

Snatching up the treat, Cinder quickly broke it and popped a piece into her mouth.

A small white strip of paper peeked out.

 _How amusing_ , Cinder smiled. There was no doubt in her nefarious mind that her fortune would be excellent and promise great success or good luck in all her ventures. Confidently, Cinder pulled the paper out and read it.

The piece of fortune cookie she was chewing fell out of her mouth.

 **You are a bad person and you will die sad, bitter, and lonely unless you change your ways...**

"What."

 _T-this can't be right! I'm a bad person? Me? Sad? Bitter? Lonely? H-how…_ Cinder panicked. Was she truly a bad person? Perhaps she did kick the can far too many times down the road. And sometimes the cans she kicked were homeless people. _But they're homeless! No one cares about them!_

Maybe she did steal from time to time. _But those orphans deserved it!_ Cinder said defending herself. _They keep hogging all those toys and candy! So what if they were babies? What's wrong with stealing from babies!_

Sure… maybe Cinder did like to torture and cause pain… but who doesn't? Don't people _like_ to be stepped on?

Cinder thought and thought.

She thought of all of the wanted posters of her face plastered over the city.

"Oh no…" Cinder gasped. "Am I… am I a baddie?"

Cinder's eyes popped out of her sockets at the revelation. She reread the last part of the fortune over and over again.

...unless you change your ways...

...change your ways…

...change…

Cinder needed to change.

She quickly plopped several hundred lien bills onto the table before swinging around to the sad lonely man behind her she originally hoped would cover her lunch tab.

Cinder knew what she must do. She had to make amends.

"You!"

"Me?" said a blonde idiot.

"Yes! I'm sorry!" Cinder said with a bow.

"Uh… okay?"

"Here let me pay for your lunch," Cinder said withdrawing several more hundred-bill liens from a hidden pocket in her chest. The blonde's eyes were glued to her hands. "

"But I haven't ordered yet."

"Even better! This place is terrible. I know a better restaurant. Come on let's go!"

Cinder grabbed the poor fool and pulled him like greased red lightning out of the restaurant. All the while, Cinder ignored his protest that he was eating lunch with a good friend of his.

But Cinder wouldn't have any of it.

She had to change her ways.

She didn't want to be sad.

She definitely didn't want to be bitter.

And Cinder most definitely didn't want to be alone.

The restaurant was quiet for a moment before whispers of the patrons began filling the air. "Did that woman just pick up a guy? Just like that?" "That was so bold! I wouldn't dare do something so scandalous. _Sigh._ I wish I had her courage." "Youth these days are so much more direct… they lack subtlety and romance…" and other such hearsay filled the air.

Then a toilet flushed. There was the sound of a faucet and a gentle humming.

A red haired girl exited the ladies' powder room.

Her friend wasn't there.

"J-Jaune? Jaune? Where are you?" Pyrrha said looking the restaurant. "Excuse me, have you seen the gentleman I arrived here with?" The customers looked down, focused on her meals."He was sitting right there… has anyone seen him?"

Pyrrha was like a girl who lost her beloved dog.

Then the head waitress emerged from behind the counter.

The head waitress had witnessed the entire scene and could only shake her head sadly before readying herself the usual speech she gives to the girls who have been stood up in the restaurant.

"That boy's no good for you hon'," the waitress began as the other customers nodded in agreement…

* * *

"Jaune! Where have you been all this time!" Ruby asked. She was playing with her Happy Meal toys in the hallway. "Want to play with my toys?"

Jaune limped through the dorm hallway. His pelvis shattered.

"I'm good," Jaune hand waved.

He was a man now, he couldn't play with toys.

Ruby shrugged.

She took the two plastic pieces together and slammed them against each other. Jaune's eyes immediately focused on the slamming motion. It was fast. It was sudden. Every time it slammed it sounded thick and heavy like a coffin door being brought to close.

 _Thump. Thump. Thump._

"NO CINDER! PLEASE!"

"Jaune! Jaune what's wrong?" Ruby rushed over to her fellow captain.

"PLEASE! NO MEANS NO! STOP! CINDER STOP!"

"Jaune! Jaune get a hold of yourself!" Ruby began slapping Jaune silly.

"Cinder… Cinder… no more please… I don't want to see it… I don't want to see your… your…" Jaune quietly sobbed. "I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT! STOP! I DON'T! NO! _NO!_ _ **NO!**_ "

"Jaune, what's wrong? Tell me!"

"CINDER!" Jaune cried out. "Please… please… I don't think it's cool or sexy…. Stop… please…" Jaune wept and wept.

Ruby embraced Jaune tightly, rocking her head on his shoulder. "It's okay going to be okay Jaune. We're going to get you some help."

Jaune spent several months later in therapy.

 **In Cinder's Dungeon**

Cinder quietly sobbed.

"Uh… is the boss lady alright?" Mercury asked Emerald. Emerald had a look of concern for her mentor and someone she viewed as an older sister.

"Cinder? You okay?"

" _Leave me alone!_ " Cinder screamed.

"Hey… we're worried. Everyone is. Just tell us what's wrong…"

Cinder looked up at Emerald, her masqera bleeding over her eyes. In her hands were two small plastic figurines she was combining and un-combining together.

"Are happy meal toy collections really not cool and sexy?"

 **With Pyrrha and Jaune in the school hallway**

"Jaune! Hey Jaune!"

" _Eeep!_ Oh… hey Pyrrha. What's up?" Jaune massaged his chest gently from his post-traumatic stress shock.

Pyrrha looked bashful with her hands behind her back. She looked down on the floor, a shy smile on her face.

"So… I just got off the phone with my sponsor and…"

Pyrrha presented what was in her hands.

"They're making happy meal toys of me! Isn't that cool?"

Jaune slapped the toy out of her hands, shattering the cheap Vacuo-made figurine into plastic splinters and springs.

"NO! HAPPY MEAL FIGURES ARE NOT COOL! _THEY. ARE. NOT._ _**COOL!**_ "

Pyrrha spent the next night crying in her dorm while Jaune was locked out begging to be let in to apologize to her.

 **With Weiss and Jaune in the Cafeteria**

Weiss enters the cafeteria and sits down with Jaune.

"Good morning. Did you just get back from your vacation in Atlas?" Jaune asked.

Weiss nodded. "Indeed... did something happy while I was gone?"

Jaune shrugged. "Not really."

Weiss put a finger to her chin. "Ruby keeps staring out the window, Blake and Yang keeps hugging each other and it's really weird... and Pyrrha won't stop crying so Nora and Ren are stuck in their room trying to comfort her."

"Sounds like the usual."

"Yeah," said Weiss she began digging into her scrambled eggs.

"So anything new with you?"

Weiss shrugged. "My dad is starting a fast-food franchise... Schnee-co Bell. We sell tacos."

"Great. I love tacos!" Jaune said excitedly.

"I know right!?" said Weiss with a big smile. "I really love tacos... we should go try the Vale branch sometime when it opens."

"Is that a date?" Jaune asked curiously.

Weiss blushed a bit. "D-don't get any ideas, doofus! B-but hey look here... They even gave me samples of the free happy meal toys."

Jaune dropped his fork. "What."

"Here's one of Winter, she plays sarcastic quips when you press the button on the back. This one is my dad... he glows in the dark. Whitley's a pez dispenser... and my mom's head can be unscrewed so you fill it with like... secret liquids! Like not-from-concentrate juice or soda! Oh! And this one is me..."

Weiss plucked the last figure from her bag and set it on the table.

"I'm a ballerina!"

Jaune's eye twitched.

In a swift motion he unsheathed Corcea Mors and unleashed a single stroke.

He decapitated the entire plastic Schnee family. Their five plastic heads rolled onto the cafeteria floor.

" _Let go your earthly tether..._ " Jaune closed his eyes and whispered his therapeutic mantra to himself. " _Enter the void. Empty. And become wind._ "

Weiss narrowed her eyes. "I liked the idea of Schnee-brand pencils and erasers better anyway."

Jaune opened his eyes and nodded in agreement. "Yeah, go with that. No more plastic... please... _no more plastic._ "

 _(Un)Happy Meal Fin_


End file.
